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Donkey Punch 
2008 / Oliver Blackburn > Wikipedia describes a donkey punch as "a slang term for an apocryphal and potentially lethal sexual practice supposedly performed during anal sex or doggy-style sex." And that, my friends, is the central catalyst for the story. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, cookies for originality there. The problem is the manner in which a hedonistic boat ride turns into a tour of humanity's descent into hell. It's a bit crazy, sure, but when you don't care about any of the characters (because they're all annoying, selfish brats) and you've already witnessed the aforementioned act of sexual bravado, what else is there to be shocked by? The show becomes limp halfway through, even with its spunky premise.
Righteous Kill
2008 / Jon Avnet > It might be a tad bit unfair for having such high expectations for this film just because of Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino, but that's just the way it is. For us to have waited this long for the duo to appear on the same screen, this is an atrocity. It's a tough task for Avnet, no doubt, but that doesn't excuse the fact that the sole purpose of the film is to misdirect the viewer. Nothing else. No story, no morality, no nothing. Not to mention boring. The faults here must come from all-around. I mean, seriously, I can't imagine the script sounding even remotely good for both of these legends to jump onto it? It's best to erase this from our memories and hope for another hurrah from the two.
The Happening
2008 / M. Night Shyamalan > Obvious, insulting and intensely disappointing in that we may have the technical skills of such a crafty director wasted by his delusions of grandeur. Everything Shyamalan has done since The Sixth Sense has been filled with a sense of greatness that simply isn't there. I excused both Unbreakable (because on a small scale, it made sense to me) and Signs (because I gave it the benefit of the doubt), but the last three have gone further into the ground in insulting the viewer's intelligence. The Happening is ridiculous in its message, the way that a kindergarten student would tell an adult to not waste electricity. The script and acting? Just leave this one alone.
10,000 BC
2008 / Roland Emmerich > Talk about making Apocalypto look like a bloody masterpiece. 10,000 BC is a ridiculous waste of a $105mn budget even if the CGI looks fantastic. The pacing is atrocious, the editing is sloppy and the story is silly. Throw in the beautiful Camille Belle, all you have here is eye candy and nothing else. Probably a great thing to put on the television while you vacuum.
Raptor
2007 / Jim Wynorski > "What's that?" The magical phrase is, according to the director Wynorski's count, uttered at least 18 times in the film. What could that be? It's sheer brilliance, I tell you. From the opening deaths of idyllic teenagers lost in the arid caves of Utah, I knew I was in for a special treat. It didn't mean much that the film echoed scenes from the famed Jurassic Park contemporary Carnosaur—these were obviously of much higher budget, especially when the screen turns green to identify with the raptors' point of view. (Yes, that was plural. There are multiple raptors in the film! Have you invited your friends over yet?!)
Wynorski, also known as Jay Andrews and H. R. Blueberry, is the man behind a substantial amount of late night Cinemax classics such as Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade and The Bare Wench Project. In Raptor, he hones his technical mastery with the help of master filmmaker Roger Corman. The final product is a seamless composite of what feels like three, four or even five films! But in reality, it is only one. Anyone who has told you otherwise has been deceived into belittling the good names of Wynorski and Corman. Why else would Golden Globe-nominated Corbin Bernsen take a key role as the evil Mr. Hyde?
I do have a minor complaint: Blonde bombshell Melissa Brasselle (who is currently starring in Danny Bonaduce's VH1 cult-hit I Know My Kid's a Star) is a bit of a distraction from the glorious beauty of the raptors. For some reason, Wynorski strategically decided to utilize her in rather tight-fitting outfits and in scandalous positions, often opposite the splendid Eric Roberts. Roberts, by the way, hasn't been this spot on since the original Best of the Best. The manner in which he battles the alpha raptor in the end makes Sigourney Weaver look like an absolute chump in Aliens. "Take that, Barney!" might be one of the most important lines of our lifetime, as many of us grew up thinking and wanting to do similar violent acts to our purple-furred friend.
What Spielberg started, Wynorski and Corman have finished. There can be no other film about raptors after this. It is conclusive evidence that we should not meddle with our genes or stem cell research because all it will do is kill the neighborhood kids, your daughter's boyfriend, your co-worker, that guy who drives the truck full of chickens across state borders so that illegally implanted raptor babies can be kept in a cage away from society, Corbin Bernsen and lots of really mean looking military guys. Raptor is a cinematic achievement that parallels Fellini's 8½ in innovation, and supercedes the science-fiction philosophy of 2001. (It's also better than many films that don't contain numbers in their titles.) Thanks for the recommendation Lucid Screening.
Jumper
2008 / Doug Liman > It didn't bother me when Liman said in an interview that Jumper was the final part of his "sell-out trilogy." After all, both The Bourne Identity and Mr. & Mrs. Smith were relatively smart, enjoyable fares. But apparently he was setting up the pre-emptive strike on a piece of shit: How Liman took a brilliant premise and muddled it into an episode of The O.C. (Rachel Bilson included) with intriguing yet ignored sci-fi elements is beyond me. What really, absolutely kills it: The sequel is in the works. This act of hypocrisy almost single-handedly negates the goodwill from Swingers and the rather underrated Go and turns Liman into a poseur until proven otherwise.
The Hottest State
2007 / Ethan Hawke > I'm not sure if Hawke's novel is this moody and petty, but the film adaptation of The Hottest State is dreadfully painful to sit through. Neither lead characters give a reason to care, and the script lacks any sort of direction or wonder to hook onto. Films about heartbreak always walk a thin line between self-indulgence and an objective disposition, and this one gorges itself in the former.
Interview
2007 / Steve Buscemi > Even at 80 minutes long, Interview tests your patience over and over until you realize the film is actually a Sienna Miller biopic that Steve Buscemi made so he could make out with her. And while that could be considered a legitimate reason in some circles, the sheer pain of having to witness an unending conversation that continuously assaults the intelligence all but nullifies any reason for the film's existence. Let's hope the rest of the trilogy isn't so weak.
Resident Evil: Extinction
2007 / Russell Mulcahy > The worst thing a Resident Evil-like movie can be is boring. And this one is boring. It's not really exciting. Nothing really happens. Okay, some things happen but they're mostly boring. So, nothing might as well happen at all. Though, Milla Jovovich sure can kick some ass. And there are a few explosions to wake you up.
Hot Rod
2007 / Akiva Schaffer > The Lonely Island boys may have made quite a name for themselves with SNL's "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick in a Box," but Hot Rod, while a project of love, falls flat soon after take-off. The jokes constantly overstay their welcome and feel like they're targeted for an elementary school demographic. By the end, though, there're some heart-tugging moments, no matter how manufactured, that make you think, "Alright, so not an absolute total waste of time. Just mostly."
P2
2007 / Franck Khalfoun > The pre-eminent display of Rachel Nichols' cleavage throughout P2 is undoubtedly the highlight of what is otherwise an instantly forgettable psychopath/horror attachment to popcorn written by the director of the much-acclaimed High Tension. But aside from all that, one has to wonder about Wes Bentley. Is this where all the fame and glory of American Beauty leads? There's no way he could have found something beautiful in this.
Trade
2007 / Marco Kreuzpaintner > Trade may just be this year's biggest missed opportunity, overshooting any chance of credibility with its amateur, aggrandized screenplay. Because the subject of sex trafficking is misunderstood in both its scope and prevalence, Kreuzpaintner and screenwriter Jose Rivera's attempt to bring it onto the mainstream is admirable, but ends up being frustrating in its execution. While the cinematography and score are superb, the writing that surrounds it is vapid and cliche. (This worries me terribly since Rivera is in charge of scripting the American remake of the superb Korean drama Failan.) The excess in the storytelling particularly disappoints, taking away the focus from the true horror of the industry while emphasizing the superfluous. Ultimately, I wanted to like it but couldn't; I found myself too angry at its silliness and disrespect for the subject matter.
Man of the Year
2006 / Barry Levinson > Immense is the level of frustration involved in watching Man of the Year. Levinson drops the balls on a premise that we've always joked about, packing it tightly and sweetly at the front and then quickly letting the air out of the bag until there's nothing left in the bag. It's a film about problems, but not solutions. It would have been impressive to actually see what a comedian does once he takes the oval office, but here the action is curtailed into an incredulous scenario which does nothing to advance the initial premise. The endgame is one that reads like an amateur parable, filled with one-sided morality and Hollywood cliche. After the wondrous Wag the Dog, this is a truly misguided film that could learn a lesson or two from Warren Beatty's Bulworth. Skip this, watch Robin Williams: Live on Broadway instead.
The Last Legion
2007 / Doug Lefler > As a huge fan of anything related to Ancient Rome, I was very much anticipating The Last Legion and its take on the dying days of the empire. Not shockingly, of course, disappointment rose up and stamped its feet well within the film's first fifteen minutes. Now, it would be silly to expect an accurate depiction of a period of such mayhem and corruption, but what amazes me is the absolute lack of imagination put forth by the writers here. The only thing they could come up with was to somehow link Julius Caesar to King Arthur, but even that is a weak, fleeting piece of amusement amidst a barrage of cliches and a plot that's driven by a game of cat and mouse. Moreover, Aishwarya Rai says she's turned down Hollywood offers where the scripts did not suit her, but this? I imagine since she got a chance to play a hardened female warrior while being held tightly in Colin Firth's bosom is enough to make up for a forgettable experience.
Everything's Gone Green
2007 / Paul Fox > Douglas Coupland's screenplay has a subtle charm, that much is for sure, but what's magically missing is any substance. The film rides the coattails of capitalistic stereotypes while mixing in weak ideals of individualism. On a pure entertainment level, it doesn't shine, and on an inspirational level, it revels in its de-motivation by taking a one-sided view of ambition backed by a ridiculous plot.
Rush Hour 3
2007 / Brett Ratner > One was good, two was entertaining, but against the good grace that third time's the charm, Ratner has thrown us a curve with one of the worst films of the year. Tucker may have put forth the single most annoying performance of the year, and Chan probably just enjoyed learning the secret to horses in pornography (see end credits for further clarification). The only thing that could save us now is a guarantee that there will be no fourth installation of such idiocy.
Saw III
2006 / Darren Lynn Bousman > While the original's premise was under wraps until the end, the second and third have been forcefully convoluted to try and mimic the shock and awe created by their predecessor. Unfortunately, for the second time, they've failed. Gone is the underlying tension that there is something deeper, more sinister at play. In fact, it could be argued that the antagonist has become a sort of an anti-hero, one we actually find ourselves supporting and wondering what type of ingenious puzzle will be left for the next victim.
Cary Elwes and Danny Glover gave solid performances in the original, but that category has deteriorated further in this second iteration. What's probably most disturbing and annoying is the unnecessary amount of visual quick-cuts that the editors take the liberty of shoving onto the audience. Combined with the numbingly overused screeching sounds, Saw 3 leaves us bored with the exception of some clever deaths.
Beer League
2006 / Frank Sebastiano > One would think that a film such as this simply could not disappoint, but how wrong they would be. Really, I expected a laugh or two, but instead I felt a gnawing in my stomach in the absence of any. (Every time I snickered, though, I felt a tinge of guilt because it wasn't really the jokes I found myself laughing at, but rather at how ridiculous it all was.) More surprising, even, is how the film didn't go straight to DVD, considering its dismal two week outing in theatres and yet another failed comeback by the Karate Kid.
Lady in the Water
2006 / M. Night Shyamalan > Similar to The Fountain, Lady in the Water went through development hell before finally making its way onto the big screen. At the very least, we should respect that, and admire Shyamalan for standing by his own personal vision. However, the absurdity that is instilled in the film makes its brethren look quite sharp and educated. Shyamalan executes a sort of deus ex machina in his storytelling technique, pulling strings out of thin air to get the story to work magically. While it's meant to be a fairy tale in itself, it discredits the traditional fairy tale by taking the suspense and initial disbelief out of all that is wondrous. By the end, little seems to have been gained from the adventure, and we find ourselves idling away, connecting dots that have already been numbered. Viewers are not this passive.
Flags of Our Fathers
2006 / Clint Eastwood > What can I say? Paul Haggis is one of the most skillful writers in Hollywood when it comes to manipulative, contrived scripts that base their sole existence on every cliche in the book. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I did find myself having a tough time not walking out of this unnecessarily melodramatic drivel that just about drove me to laughter at many of its most "critical" points.
Flags of Our Fathers has a story behind it that could have been brilliantly approached with a level of subtlely and intelligence that would have made it a surefire Oscar candidate. Similar to Saving Private Ryan, it had the capability of being a poignant war allegory. However, Haggis (and arguably Eastwood) filled the film with enough sewage to destroy any message it could have represented.
This is the worst film I have seen in theatres this year. The war sequences, while beautifully done, were pointless and, amazingly, just boring. I cared about none of the characters, and there was only one good sequence of dialogue and two scenes where I felt any real emotion—which, coincidentally, where both contrived beyond belief. This is disappointment that I cannot explain. A great story mistold. One can only hope Letters From Iwo Jima does not suffer the same fate.
Crank
2006 / Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor > The MPAA advises audiences for strong violence, pervasive language, sexuality, nudity and drug use in Crank. While all of these positively contribute to the feel of this Jason Statham vehicle, none of these could have saved it from falling flat on its face. The plot is a gimmick, the story is bland and, with the exception of a sequence or two, there's little here that's memorable.
Les Formidables
2006 / Cho Min-ho > It's becoming a bad habit: Long, drawn out action flicks from Korea that try to have a deeper meaning, some level of emotion, but ultimately end of being a limp exercise in keeping our interest. To further add to the group we have Les Formidables, a buddy film of sorts, but not really. Unlike Bloody Tie, which showed considerable potential before caving into its own plotline, Les Formidables never truly gets off the ground. We always wait for something to happen, something we haven't seen 6.2 million times before, but that never passes. The proper formula for this and other, similar films: Reduce the superfluous emotional baggage, recut it into ninety minutes, and then maybe we'll have something watchable.
Mini's First Time
2006 / Nick Guthe > The initial premise is intriguing: Rebellious teenage girl starts moonlighting as an escort girl only to find herself in a hotel room with her step-father. Unfortunately, the film peaks 10 minutes into the story, and while the opening credits were some of the snazziest I've seen in a while, Mini's First Time descends into a predictable and cliche'd storyline,wasting a solid performance from Alec Baldwin and a very effective one from Carrie-Anne Moss. Also, Nikki Reed, who plays the lead and co-wrote the teen drama Thirteen, is someone to keep on the radar (and hope she keeps herself off The O.C.'s).
The Romance
2006 / Moon Seung-wook > Talk about disappointing: Maybe the reason the film fails to grab a genre (or fuse multiple genres) is because it has four scriptwriters behind it, including the penwoman behind the blockbuster Silmido. Or maybe it's because I expected quite a bit more from newly famed actress Kim Ji-soo and her follow-up to the quiet but engaging This Charming Girl. Whatever it may be, it brings forth the ridiculously annoying trend in Korean cinema where there's a 180° turn smackdab in the middle of the film. Is this really necessary? Can you not be a little more skillful in pacing your film and story development? I could understand doing this once in a while if it wasn't so common in an industry, but the technique runs rampant in the land of kimchi. And that's just rotten, as Kim and Kim Ki-duk veteran Jo Jae-hyeon were putting on quite a show until the lights went out.
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